It's all a bit strange
Long time no write...
Life ticking along... up and down. It's all a bit crazy, but then maybe that's just a reflection of my frame of mind. Life doesn't really ever seem to cruise along smoothly for me, and I bet it probably doesn't for a lot of others. But what you seem to notice the most when you feel like your life is full of tumbles, twists and turns, is the number of people around you who seem to be playing their cards on a nice even table almost all the time. It's like they have the game of life sussed and everything is just a smooth sail.
...even as I say that, I know that really, it's not likely to be true. It's more the fact that I'm not close enough to those people to have the slightest idea of the crap they struggle with everyday. Nevertheless, the grass is always greener and pastures always rosier on the other side of the fence...
It's not that I'm unhappy with my life, far from it. I like where I live, I have good friends, a good job, but there are things that could do with some improving. I am working on these things and it's not like it's easy, but I am getting there. It would be nice at some stage, however, to be content. To just be absolutely content with where I am, what I am doing, the people around me... me. To live in the "now" without feeling the need to look towards the future, constantly checking the map, confirming I'm on the right course.
There's always something missing. Something that I just can't seem to get hold of or find, but that I am always in search of. When I analyse this feeling and actually try to remember when I first felt it, I can't. I think it has always been with me. It's like an empty space or void in the pitt of my stomach and right next to it, or maybe part of it, is a feeling of unease. A deep, dense feeling of unease and dread. Sometimes on the rare occasion, this feeling comes to the surface and causes me to feel an overwhelming sense of urgency, that I have to do something right then to get rid of it. It only lasts from a couple of seconds to under a minute.
When I was a little girl I remember running to the fridge and lunging for the cordial container, skulling back the liquid as fast as I could to drown out the feeling. It seemed to work, well at least I think it did. I can't imagine why else I would have continued to self medicate in this way if it didn't. It happened frequently back then, as in at least once a week for a few years. The feeling kind of disappeared into my teens and then came back in my early twenties, only to visit me once or twice a year from that point on.
This entry really isn't going anywhere in particular except to document some of the thoughts and memories that are surfacing through this process of self examination I seem to be undertaking. Y'know the times in your life where you take time to sit and reflect upon where you are in the world, what you're doing, how you're really going with everything and what you think you're direction really should be? Well, that's where I'm at right now.
Currently in the midst of a major self discovery path at this time. Im discovering a lot of fabulous things, a lot of questions and a lot of demons. I suppose you could say that I'm cleaning out my closet... a very big closet... or maybe a walk in wardrobe...
Trixylix
Life ticking along... up and down. It's all a bit crazy, but then maybe that's just a reflection of my frame of mind. Life doesn't really ever seem to cruise along smoothly for me, and I bet it probably doesn't for a lot of others. But what you seem to notice the most when you feel like your life is full of tumbles, twists and turns, is the number of people around you who seem to be playing their cards on a nice even table almost all the time. It's like they have the game of life sussed and everything is just a smooth sail.
...even as I say that, I know that really, it's not likely to be true. It's more the fact that I'm not close enough to those people to have the slightest idea of the crap they struggle with everyday. Nevertheless, the grass is always greener and pastures always rosier on the other side of the fence...
It's not that I'm unhappy with my life, far from it. I like where I live, I have good friends, a good job, but there are things that could do with some improving. I am working on these things and it's not like it's easy, but I am getting there. It would be nice at some stage, however, to be content. To just be absolutely content with where I am, what I am doing, the people around me... me. To live in the "now" without feeling the need to look towards the future, constantly checking the map, confirming I'm on the right course.
There's always something missing. Something that I just can't seem to get hold of or find, but that I am always in search of. When I analyse this feeling and actually try to remember when I first felt it, I can't. I think it has always been with me. It's like an empty space or void in the pitt of my stomach and right next to it, or maybe part of it, is a feeling of unease. A deep, dense feeling of unease and dread. Sometimes on the rare occasion, this feeling comes to the surface and causes me to feel an overwhelming sense of urgency, that I have to do something right then to get rid of it. It only lasts from a couple of seconds to under a minute.
When I was a little girl I remember running to the fridge and lunging for the cordial container, skulling back the liquid as fast as I could to drown out the feeling. It seemed to work, well at least I think it did. I can't imagine why else I would have continued to self medicate in this way if it didn't. It happened frequently back then, as in at least once a week for a few years. The feeling kind of disappeared into my teens and then came back in my early twenties, only to visit me once or twice a year from that point on.
This entry really isn't going anywhere in particular except to document some of the thoughts and memories that are surfacing through this process of self examination I seem to be undertaking. Y'know the times in your life where you take time to sit and reflect upon where you are in the world, what you're doing, how you're really going with everything and what you think you're direction really should be? Well, that's where I'm at right now.
Currently in the midst of a major self discovery path at this time. Im discovering a lot of fabulous things, a lot of questions and a lot of demons. I suppose you could say that I'm cleaning out my closet... a very big closet... or maybe a walk in wardrobe...
Trixylix
posted by Trixy at
10:55 PM
|
0 comments
