It's all a bit strange

Long time no write...


Life ticking along... up and down. It's all a bit crazy, but then maybe that's just a reflection of my frame of mind. Life doesn't really ever seem to cruise along smoothly for me, and I bet it probably doesn't for a lot of others. But what you seem to notice the most when you feel like your life is full of tumbles, twists and turns, is the number of people around you who seem to be playing their cards on a nice even table almost all the time. It's like they have the game of life sussed and everything is just a smooth sail.

...even as I say that, I know that really, it's not likely to be true. It's more the fact that I'm not close enough to those people to have the slightest idea of the crap they struggle with everyday. Nevertheless, the grass is always greener and pastures always rosier on the other side of the fence...

It's not that I'm unhappy with my life, far from it. I like where I live, I have good friends, a good job, but there are things that could do with some improving. I am working on these things and it's not like it's easy, but I am getting there. It would be nice at some stage, however, to be content. To just be absolutely content with where I am, what I am doing, the people around me... me. To live in the "now" without feeling the need to look towards the future, constantly checking the map, confirming I'm on the right course.

There's always something missing. Something that I just can't seem to get hold of or find, but that I am always in search of. When I analyse this feeling and actually try to remember when I first felt it, I can't. I think it has always been with me. It's like an empty space or void in the pitt of my stomach and right next to it, or maybe part of it, is a feeling of unease. A deep, dense feeling of unease and dread. Sometimes on the rare occasion, this feeling comes to the surface and causes me to feel an overwhelming sense of urgency, that I have to do something right then to get rid of it. It only lasts from a couple of seconds to under a minute.

When I was a little girl I remember running to the fridge and lunging for the cordial container, skulling back the liquid as fast as I could to drown out the feeling. It seemed to work, well at least I think it did. I can't imagine why else I would have continued to self medicate in this way if it didn't. It happened frequently back then, as in at least once a week for a few years. The feeling kind of disappeared into my teens and then came back in my early twenties, only to visit me once or twice a year from that point on.

This entry really isn't going anywhere in particular except to document some of the thoughts and memories that are surfacing through this process of self examination I seem to be undertaking. Y'know the times in your life where you take time to sit and reflect upon where you are in the world, what you're doing, how you're really going with everything and what you think you're direction really should be? Well, that's where I'm at right now.

Currently in the midst of a major self discovery path at this time. Im discovering a lot of fabulous things, a lot of questions and a lot of demons. I suppose you could say that I'm cleaning out my closet... a very big closet... or maybe a walk in wardrobe...

Trixylix

Autumn

I was walking to work today in the blustery wind and rain with the music from my mp3 player enveloping me into my own autumn music video. That's when I experienced the freshness and beauty of autumn - not for the first time, but each time is almost always just as moving as the first. An amazing feeling.

The street I walk down every morning is lined with huge trees, the leaves ranging from a light green to burnt orange to yellow - most on the ground now. The few leaves that remain on the trees, cling to the branches flickering, jiggling and dancing around like they're alive and excited about something.

Autumn is one of those seasons where the beauty of nature really stands out. So much that it's hard to ignore. It brings you down to earth and prepares you for the brisk weather that's about to follow making you think of snug jumpers, thick socks and jackets and time all cosied up indoors.

Autumn makes me gooey on the inside :o)

Half-Nekkid Thursday!

First HNT for me!!!

And if you'd like to know more about me...

Your Personality Profile

You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth. While you may not be a total hippie... You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around. You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure. However, you do put some thought behind all your actions. Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

A bit of fun

Came across these little test things that you can enter into your blogs and thought "Wow! That's cool!".

I'm all very new to this blogging business so get excited about the smallest things I find! Anyhoo, here's a cool little left brain / right brain test I did. Looks like I'm almost a pretty balanced person ;-)

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Life chuggin' along nicely

I don't mean to gloat but seriously, someone is looking out for me these days! And there are a lot of freaky things going on!

Firstly, an old flatmate that I bumped into at a gas station a while back (after not seeing her in six years) bumped into me again the other night while I was out on a date. I told her we needed to meet up for a coffee sometime because someone was trying to tell us something. Coincidence again, jeezus! Oh and another friend I hadn't spoken to in almost 10 years rang me from Australia to wish me a happy birthday. Hmmmm people from the past, people from the past. They're all coming outta the woodwork all at once.


I also get an email from the tertiary institute I studied at telling me I had won an award for top student in Technical Writing. Stoked!

In addition, have been on two dates with the same guy in the last week - and have another one tomorrow. Things are looking good, I like him, I think he likes me, so you never know where it may go :-)

Happy happy joy joy! Happy happy joy!


Damn I feel like a cigarette....

Smoking...

I have tried to give up smoking for years now. It's hard, but increasingly I am feeling a sense of urgency. I need to give up. None of my friends smoke, no one at my work smokes and, after recently jumping back into the dating scene, promoting myself as a smoker is rather embarassing - it also limits my options. On top of all this, smoking kills - we all know that one - and this year I would have been smoking for fourteen years, which is a hell of a long time. I have a bad cough and I will probably get lung cancer in my thirties if I continue to smoke.

This year, I decided that by the time I was 26 I would be a non-smoker. Well, I turned 26 last Wednesday and continued to smoke. What the hell is wrong with me? I have a stop smoking book, you may have heard of it Allen Carr's Easy way to give up smoking. I was meant to read it before my birthday but there was always something else better to do.

Well, last night I smoked the last cigarette in my packet and thought to myself, this is it. No more. As you can imagine (if you know what it's like to be a smoker), I am having intense cravings right now. But that's ok. Although I didn't read the entire book, I did get up to the point that explains cravings and how just one little cigarette can ruin everything as far as cravings go. It's basically just a nicotine "top-up" that depletes within an hour or so giving you more cravings. The book has a good analogy on smoking addiction. Carr compares nicotine addiction to wearing extremely tight shoes all the time, only to feel the pleasure and relief of taking them off. I like that one ;-) If you don't get it, think about it harder - sorry, I dont have the patience to explain it at this point in time.

So... any happy thoughts or energy sent my way to keep my head screwed on the right way would be greatly appreciated! Hopefully, in my next post I will be a full time non-smoker ;-)

Continuing on...

well - from the last post really. Fate.

In the last month I have come across: a friend I haven't seen for almost ten years; a work colleague and friend I haven't seen for six years; a cousin I haven't seen for four years; my father who I haven't seen for six months; two potential new jobs; money on the horizon; networks when I need them; and someone nice I'm talking to.

Coincidence? Fate? Luck? Part of the critical mass?

Someone tell me what I'm doing right here - coz baby! - I wanna stay on this roll!

Fate yada yada

Ya know when you have those times where everything seems to kinda click into place?

Things feel like they are meant to be. Some people believe this is fate. It could be the fact that you are on the right path to where ever your life was meant to go, originally, before you hit all those snags along the way.

I think this feeling usually comes when some sort of major life change has occurred. There tends to be just a wee bit (or in some cases a lot) of gravel in the road that seems to find your face more often than you would like when the change first happens. But after awhile the road smoothes out, and it's plain sailing from there. Of course, with the road being a lot smoother, there's more time to check out the scenery around you... Yep, that drive is all of a sudden much more enjoyable ;-)

Anyway - where was I going with this?

I'm having that kind of day - or month. Everything seems to be panning out just the way it should! But more than that, I seem to be "bumping" into people, good people, from my past that I haven't seen in years - out of the blue. Call me weird or kooky if you like, but I see these "bumping intos" as signs that I am on the right path for my destiny or fate right now.

I read in The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield) - moons ago - that these chance meetings are a part of a critical mass, "Where our paths towards spiritual awakening are pushed forward through a series of mysterious coincidences." (Redfield, www.celestinevision.com, 2006).

Interesting way of looking at it huh? Actually, that was a damn good book! If you're into that kind of thing, it's worth a read. It has many more alluring insights to mull over next time you're in the "pondering life" kind of mood.

Check out: http://www.celestinevision.com/


Peace out.

Ode to K' Rd

What I love about K' Rd (Karangahape Rd) is the diversity. Diverse people, stores, cultures and more. So much to offer. I'm damn proud to be living around K'Rd!

K' Rd has this sinister and sleazy kind of reputation. That all the crazies, prostitutes and druggies hang out around that 'dodgy place'. Well - this rep holds some truth to it. But it's the judgement that goes with this reputation that does this area no justice.

I enjoy living amongst the "crazies". I feel at home. Perhaps that makes me crazy too. Who knows.... It's a place of little judgement. People accept you for who you are. Rich, poor, scummy, slutty, druggy, poncy, prim and proper, artistic, gay, straight, asian, indian, muslim, maori, european - whatever. There is an underlying acceptance.

To me, this place is a true snapshot of what makes Auckland or any other city a truly diverse and vibrant place to live in. Diverse people living from one extreme to another without (much) judgement. You can be who you are, whatever that may be.

Most people around K' Rd are some of the most approachable people you could ever meet. Show a little respect and a friendly face and they are happy to strike up a conversation with almost anyone. What I have learned and experienced from conversations with people on K'Rd leaves me in absolute awe.

"Normal" people are too busy trying to be normal, or something they are not, to ever have anything original to offer. A bit harsh, and of course a generalisation, I know... but it seems that the superficial level of our lives has sprawled itself to the outter most parts of the world like a killer virus. It's more usual than not to be encircled in towering walls of protection and judgement - preventing us from ever connecting with or knowing someone honestly - let alone ourselves.

It's like the most of the only "real" people left in this world are the ones who are often referred to as freaks who decide to not conform to the norm. They are original. They have something unique to offer to this world. They are not clones. They are brave.

I honour people like this in my life. They teach me more about people and myself than I could ever learn from reading Metro magazine or the latest cosmo. Give me a person with real unique and unusual life experience any day.